


Don't Let Go

by HamletMouse



Category: Free!
Genre: Cute, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Tumblr: makoharufestival
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-02-27
Packaged: 2018-03-15 13:23:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3448733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HamletMouse/pseuds/HamletMouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto still has nightmares sometimes, but it's okay as long as he has Haru.</p><p>Written for Tumblr MakoHaruFest 2015, Prompt Don't Let Go</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Let Go

** Don’t Let Go **

The nightmares still came sometimes. He felt that he should have maybe grown out of it by now, but no, every now and then he’d feel the waves crashing in, forcing him down into the dark abyss, the breath being crushed out of him… and then air, light and he jolts awake. Sometimes the relief is immediate and he can laugh shakily, roll over and go back to sleep, other times the fear clings to him like the sweat glistening on his body; it writhes inside him until it chokes him and he has a panic attack. The nightmare was always the same for years and years until recently when it changed.

The nightmares used to scare him when he was in elementary school of course, but there was always a parent on hand to give him a soothing hug and tell him it would be okay. It was as he approached his teenage years that they really became the bane of his existence. Rin had left them and Haru was a little more aloof than normal; he wasn’t always there to protect him and the twins were old enough to start looking up to their big brother. He realised he needed to grow up and be strong.

Makoto soon found this was much easier said than done as his fear consumed him at night and wasn’t something he could just make go away. But at least he began dealing with it himself even if that meant curling up under the duvet desperately trying to catch his breath and convince himself that he wasn’t dying. It was horrible, but he was a responsible big brother who wouldn’t pass the fear down to his siblings who desperately wanted to swim like him and Haru. He did quite well with this method for a little while but sleepovers with Haru were still a regular occurrence and it was bound to happen with him there at some point.

That point came one night when they were thirteen. The day had gone by as usual and they played video games until Makoto’s mum came in and told them to go to bed. They were probably a bit too old to be sharing a bed but they did so anyway not willing to let go of habit. Haru turned off the lamp on the bedside table and they settled down to sleep. Makoto had thought he’d felt the familiar anxiety crawling around his stomach but put it down to being too overexcited and gave in to sleep instead. But soon enough, he was dreaming. He was on a sandy beach when the sky turned black, and he was suddenly in the sea, the waves thrashing around him until they pulled him down into the deep dark. And just when he felt like his chest might cave in from the pressure, he awoke with a small gasp.

It took a minute for him to get his bearings; to distinguish the shadows that were his room and what the lump of warmth beside him was. As he slowly realised that it was Haru and he was breathing extremely heavily and loudly, he clamped his eyes closed and willed his breaths quieter. However he couldn’t help the panic that overtook him, the prickly heat rushing over his face and down to his toes and he let out a whimper. He flung a hand over his mouth but the whimpers kept coming and he felt tears burning behind his eyelids. And then a light was turned on.

He would never forget the look of sleepy confusion in his best friend’s eyes nor the uncomfortable way they bore into him, comforting him and scaring him all at once. Haru was sat up in bed with the lamp on beside him staring down at Makoto. He watched him for a few seconds before he seemed to understand the situation. He let out a sigh and Makoto felt a pang of shame at having woken up his friend. He was a teenager for God’s sake; he shouldn’t still be having nightmares. He tried to speak, to apologise and suggest he go sleep on the sofa so that Haru could rest properly but no words came out, he was much too breathless still.

Haru turned to the side and switched off the lamp and Makoto couldn’t help but let out a shout of fear at the sudden darkness. A finger came to his lips as if shushing him though and he took a deep breath.

‘Roll over’ a husky whisper commanded in his ear. Nonplussed, Makoto obliged, not really sure what else to do. Haru wriggled closer to him until his chest was flush against Makoto’s back and his head was buried in Makoto’s neck. He wound his arms around Makoto’s waist and sought out a hand. Makoto clasped him back desperately. ‘Don’t let go, and we’ll be okay.’ Haru murmured. Makoto’s breath caught in his throat and he held his hand tighter. Just knowing that his friend was there, comforting him, was enough to relax slightly and he focussed on taking in deep breaths, slowly in, slowly out, squeezing Haru’s hand every time the panic began fighting its way back and Haru didn’t let go. Eventually he fell back asleep and awoke peacefully, the warmth of Haru still firm against his back. And he knew that he was okay.

This became a habit every time Makoto had a nightmare in Haru’s presence. Haru would automatically shuffle over to spoon his friend and hold his hand and remind him it was okay and eventually the rate of nightmares slowed. They came when there were exams or he was sick or worried but he figured that a lot of people have unhelpful reactions to stress, and this was just his; something he would have to live with.

They increased in frequency at the beginning of his second year of high school. Rin had returned and Haru was swimming again. He should have been happy but every night the nightmares crept up on him and he just couldn’t work out why. Then one night, Haru rolled over to comfort him again; the panic went away but his heart beat faster. He felt Haru shift against him, much too small to be the big spoon nowadays and the contact elicited a strange feeling in his belly. He lay awake trying to work it out. He’d just been scared out of his mind yet what he was feeling now was almost pleasurable. Haru nuzzled closer into his neck and he could feel his lips hovering so close to his skin. This time the pleasurable feeling went lower and he understood.

He had a crush on Haru. He blushed and suddenly felt the same pang of shame as that first night he had a nightmare. This was much worse than keeping his friend awake. This was too much and the panic was rising again in his throat and before he could stop himself he jerked upright hyperventilating. The light went on and Haru was there in front of him.

‘Makoto…’ He spoke and he gripped his hand tight. ‘It’s okay.’ He said stroking his hand with his thumb. Makoto shook his head; this wasn’t something that was going to be fixed easily. He had a crush on his best friend. He carefully raised his gaze to meet Haru’s gaze and his heart flipped over. This wasn’t a crush, he realised; this was something much more intense. How had he never realised? Of course, it was strange that they still shared a bed but they’d always been so close, he could always read Haru, always knew what he was thinking…. ‘Makoto what’s wrong?’

He shook himself out of his own thoughts and focussed on Haru. He looked lost and confused, so unlike him. He had always managed to calm Makoto down before so he supposed this situation was new and scary to both of them. Their hands were still tightly clasped together and Makoto made a conscious effort to calm down. He was with Haru. Things were always okay when they were together. Haru looked away slightly sad and Makoto studied him trying to work out what was going on. Maybe he should just be honest. At least maybe he could stop freaking out about it.

‘Um’ He blushed. ‘I think I just realised I have a crush on you.’ He laughed. It sounded so silly when it came out he was sure Haru was going to tell him he was being stupid.

‘Stupid’ he knew him well. Haru was still looking away but Makoto could see the hint of a blush on his face. ‘We’ve pretty much been a couple since we were kids.’

‘Oh.’ He could think of nothing else to say to that. ‘I didn’t realise’ Haru turned to face him then, his eyes narrowed slightly.

‘We spend all our time together. We share popsicles. We hold hands. We share a bed.’ He deadpanned. Makoto thought it through. They were definitely not normal male-friendship activities he guessed and Haru was never one to speak about his feelings. He probably accepted this as fact a long time ago and saw no reason to change things. Makoto felt even sillier now for freaking out about it. He was with Haru, of course he was. He looked up at Haru and smiled broadly. Haru blushed again. Had he always had this power over him? He wasn’t sure, but what he was certain of was that Haru looked really cute that way.

‘Does that mean you like me too Haru-chan?’ he asked brightly. Haru’s blush deepened but he did not deign to answer. Instead he flopped himself back down on the bed and turned the lamp out next to him. With a soft chuckle, Makoto settled himself down behind him, his heart feeling considerably lighter. With Haru facing away, he guessed it was his turn to be the big spoon and he shuffled closer, clutching the smaller boy to him. Haru was right in that they were exceptionally coupley with each other but there were a few things they didn’t do. Makoto hesitated. If they were a couple now they should at least do some things right? So very carefully he lifted his head, shifted himself forward slightly and kissed Haru on the cheek. It was such an innocent gesture but he immediately went warm at his own actions. He could feel the heat emanating off of his boyfriend too. ‘Sorry’ he couldn’t help but blurt out.

‘Stupid.’ Haru murmured but pulled Makoto’s arm back around him anyway and entwined their fingers. Makoto smiled and found it was nowhere near as hard to fall back asleep as normal.

They had been happy then and the nightmares thinned back out even after his nightmare nearly came to fruition. Haru saved him and he knew he would be okay. However, the end of their high school days were approaching fast and the nightmares came again. At first they were the same as before. But after Makoto finally made his decision to go to Tokyo, he was no longer alone in the ocean. Haru was there too; falling under the waves, his bright blue eyes filled with fear. And Makoto couldn’t save him, not the way Haru had saved him. He tried and tried to swim against the current but the waves kept pushing him back. A huge wave would pull him under but he would rise to the surface one last time to see nothing there but black, black sea. Haru had disappeared beneath the water. And then the familiar crushing feeling in his chest came back and he went down, down, down….then he jolted awake.

Haru had been drifting away from him in his waking life and he knew very well what his new dream represented but until Haru decided to listen to his friends, there was nothing they could do. Makoto had yet to find the right time to tell him about Tokyo and he felt like he was betraying him on the most basic level. He could barely stand the guilt. As such he found he was sleeping over less and less Haru seemed more than happy to accept this, consumed in his own worries that he refused to face. But tonight, they had decided to sleep at Haru’s. It had been as normal an evening as things had been lately. Haru cooked them dinner, they watched a film and fell into bed. Makoto had hoped that being with his lover might comfort him enough to have an easy sleep, something he hadn’t for a while. But he was soon awake, sweat dripping down his bare chest as he gasped for air. He breathed in deep and rolled over, waiting for Haru’s comforting hands to seek out his. They didn’t come. He sat up slowly, feeling that if he moved too quickly he might vomit.

There was no bedside lamp at Haru’s so instead he had to strain his eyes to see the boy lying next to him.

‘Haru?’ he breathed into the dark. His eyes adjusted and he could just about make out Haru lying flat on his back; his head turned slightly toward him.

‘Makoto?’ a small voice questioned back. And Makoto knew something was wrong. He moved closer and reached out to touch the others hair. It was soaked as if he too had had a nightmare, and as his breathing slowed, he realised that Haru was breathing hard and fast. ‘I…I can’t…can’t stop shaking…’ he breathed out. Makoto realised that he was correct; Haru had had a nightmare too. He shifted himself down.

‘Roll over.’ He murmured. Haru obeyed and Makoto wrapped his arms around him. Haru must have done this a hundred times or more over the years. Tonight, Makoto realised he could help at least a little bit. He sought out his lovers hand and clutched it tight.

‘Ma…Mako…’ Haru tried to call, fear tumbling out of his mouth with the words. He gripped Makoto’s hand tight.

‘Don’t let go and we’ll be okay’ Makoto whispered as they shook together. They laid like that for most of the night and although neither boy slept well with too many thoughts racing through their minds, as the sunlight starting pushing into the room, they remained entwined together and he knew that as long as they held on tight, they just might be okay in the end.

**Author's Note:**

> Now Posted on their page! Please like or reblog: hamletmousefree.tumblr.com
> 
> Written for MakoHaruFest 2015: http://theofficialmakoharufestival.tumblr.com/  
> 


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